The Rules of X-Ball

The X-Ball Arena
Playing X-Ball
The X-Ball

Hey, X-Ball fans, I bet you probably know the statistics of every team, and every play from every game ever by heart. So this section isn't for you. Just get out! Go!

Okay, are we alone? Great. What follows is for the newbie only. Just get introduced to X-Ball by a friend? Or maybe you want to start your own home X-Ball game... Actually, I wouldn't recommend that. It's illegal to have a non-licensed X-Ball team, punishable by death. But hey, that never stopped anybody before! So here, without any further delay, are the rules of X-Ball!

The X-Ball Arena

Let's start by briefly describing the X-Ball field, which is represented artistically in the diagram above:

The yellow triangles are each team's home base, where their Targets are (we'll describe their purpose later).
The green zone, separated by five white lines, is the Safe Zone. This is the main area where the teams play, and defend their home base. The white lines don't serve any specific purpose (like in other LAME ball games) except to let teams know when they are close to another team.
Then there's the orange line. This separates the Safe Zone from the Danger Zone, the black area. The first team to touch the orange line activates the Danger Zone. Which brings us to...
The black area, where the X-Ball is (at least, initially.) However, as mentioned before, crossing the orange line activates the Danger Zone. In here is a predetermined Danger, chosen by the owners of the X-Ball Arena. The Danger can be absolutely anything, from a pool filled with carnivorous babies, to Politicians (two of my favorites).
X-Ball marks the spot, people, and here's the goal of braving the Danger Zone: to capture the X-Ball. Once you do that, all you gotta do is get through the Danger Zone, eliminate the other four teams, and brave the Final Challenge. But I'm jumping the gun.

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Playing X-Ball

After the Commissioner of X-Ball leads the crowd in Monster Island National Anthem ("Monsters, Monsters, Ra, Ra, Ra"), the five teams assemble in their respective Home Bases. Then, the X-Ball is raised into the exact center of the Arena, in the Danger Zone. The X-Ball is surrounded by three leaves, which slowly fall from around the ball. When the third leaf falls, it's gametime!

X-Ball is divided into five quarters, each no longer than 25 minutes. Each quarter ends when a team is eliminated, which we'll get to in a second.

Each team must try and capture the X-ball. Once the team in control of the X-Ball leaves the Danger Zone, the X-Ball is in play, and can be captured by any team by any means necessary! This is what makes X-Ball the Greatest Game On Earth, folks!

Once the X-Ball is officially in play, the team in possession of the X-Ball must try to hit another team's target. The target is in the exact center of the home base, and can only be blocked by a player on the defending team. I once saw a Minor League X-Ball team try to block the target with a bookcase, and let me tell you, the other teams didn't like that much. So they ate them.

Once the target is hit, that team is eliminated from the game, and the quarter is over. Each quarter is max 25 minutes long, except for the fifth, which lasts as long as it needs to. Conceivably, all five teams could last until the fifth quarter and battle it out for several days, but it's never, ever happened. I wouldn't rule it out, though.

Whoever is left in the fifth and final quarter gets to face the Final Challenge! If the winning team is able to subdue the mighty X-Ball, they become X-Ball Grand Champions and tour the world in the Giant Zeppelin of Triumph.

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The X-Ball

Subdue the X-Ball you say? It's just a ball, right? Wrong! In most games, you play with a dinky air or foam filled ball. But not the X-Ball. Created deep within the labs of the Nakamaji Corporation, the X-Ball is a sentient being that grows in size and danger with every quarter. Here are the most common forms of the X-Ball:

First Quarter:	Second Quarter:	Third Quarter:	Fourth Quarter:

Regular, round X-Ball	Metal spike encrusted X-Ball	Metal spike encrusted, fire-spitting X-Ball	Metal spike encrusted, fire-spitting X-Ball with feet


Fifth Quarter:

Turns into Giant X, stalks field attacking players

I say most common forms, because the X-Ball has been known to throw in a few surprises! One time, the X-Ball covered itself in acid, and anybody who touched it had their hands burned off. I swear, I laughed myself silly.

I hope I've given you a good overview of the game! Remember to watch me, Bif Larkin, and my partner Tad Sufeld after each game on X-Ball Tonite. And as always...

"Keep your eye on the Ball!"

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