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X-Ball Toys Potentially Dangerous"You mean potentially fun," says Nakamaji | |
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| MONSTER ISLAND, Dec. 17 - With the Holiday Gift Buying Season well under way, parents and children alike are being warned to return any of the X-Ball line of Action figures.
Although the toys have been selling faster than hotcakes, which have been up 14% in the Nasdaq Breakfast exchange this week, a recent article in Consumer Reports warned that Nakamaji Corp., manufacturer of all X-Ball toys, may have skipped the "testing" phase before releasing the toys. Hiro Nakamaji, president of Nakamaji Corp., was quick to respond, "X-Ball toys are fun and safe. Nakamaji is a family corporation, run by my father, and his father before him, and his aunt before that, followed closely by her father. We would never make anything that would hurt a small child." This was followed by a demonstration of Poison Spittin' Kimberly, Sharp Metal Teeth Adrenaline (now with more gnashing action), and Soft Shell Ebola Eggs, a non-X-Ball related toy, now available at toy stores everywhere. Although parents of the thousands of children who have died or been brutally wounded by X-Ball Action Figures have demanded a recall, Nakamaji remains firm. "Look, they're just toys," said Nakamaji. "Saying they're dangerous undermines certain basic precepts of our society, and could lead to the dissolution of civilization as we know it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Toys don't kill people; people kill people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go torture the Reptiles 2 Da Maxx." |
What do the X-Ball Team Captains think about the holidays?:"My action figure looks nothing like me," says Coolboard Luke:"Will you look at that? This action figure makes me look fat. I'm not fat. I've got, like, a 95% body water count right now, and my trainer tells me I could go up to almost 96% by next month. And the arms are totally disproportionate to my body. Now the Reptiles, on the other hand, look totally sweet. We Snowmen always get the short end of the stick. Although, I do hear they're workin' on some new stuff for the Series 2 figures, so we'll see."
| "I wish those kids would stop riding me like a pony," says Vengeance:"Will you get off of me? Ow! Look, I'm not a horsey, okay. Cut it out. Just because Nakamaji rented me out to your birthday party doesn't mean you can put cake all over my head. STOP YANKING THAT! Thank you."
| Gridiron's Secret Santa:"So every year, the monkeys and I do a Secret Santa thing, we're we each draw a name out of a hat. We tried including the Flowers last year, but all they gave us we're carcasses they found on the side of the highway, so it's just us. Don't tell him, but I got Puck. I got him these scented candles from Bath and Body Works that he will just love! I love the holidays, don't you? I think it really brings out the best in people."
| Amanda hates Christmas:"I hope that the toys kill all your little children. You families go around, killing trees and displaying their carcasses in your living rooms, then decorating them with lights and candy. This year, for every tree you chop down, we will take one of your human children and cover them in popcorn chains. Perhaps then you shall learn." | ||||||||