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X-Ball Pre-Season Training Kicks Off Today

L. Brainius promises "bigger, better"



MONSTER ISLAND, Nov. 12 - L. Brainius, the Commissioner of X-Ball announced the kick-off of pre-season training today, officially beginning the excruciatingly exciting lead-up to the opening of the new X-Ball Season on January 22nd.

"This will be the best season of X-Ball ever," said L. Brainius. "There's a fine line between good and mind-blowing, and with the three or four improvements we've made this season, we just crossed that line."

L. Brainius' announcement comes as a welcome surprise to X-Ball fans, who have been buzzing for months on Internet message boards. In his sixteen hour address to the assembled world press, L. Brainius listed what new innovations we can look forward to:

  • Clean bathrooms.
  • Mini-Pizzas at the X-Ball Concessions stands.
  • All new dangers in the Danger Zone.
  • The opening of XBOTB (X-Ball Off Track Betting).
  • And the re-introduction of a fan favorites, the Zombie Cheerleaders.

As long-time X-Ball fans know, the Zombie Cheerleaders were asked to leave the game back in 1983, when they ate the other members of L. Brainius' former team, The BrainiAX. As compensation for all his friends and family being eaten, L. Brainius was offered a position on the X-Ball staff, and worked his way up to becoming Commissioner. He has held the position for the past ten years, ushering in a new era of glorious violence in X-Ball.

The re-introduction of the Zombie Cheerleaders marks what L. Brainius' therapist calls, "A catharsis, of sorts. Or, maybe this is just some sort of long range plan for revenge. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

And wait and see, we shall! Let X-Ball begin!



Reaction from the Team Captains:



Coolboard Luke Talks Protein Shakes:

11.12.00 - "Yeah, so we got it goin' on this season. I got this new type of Protein Shake, "Pro-tech Power Packs". It's got, like, bananas, and coconut, and pineapple, and a little rum, and some Protein Powder. It totally tastes great, AND it gets you hyped up for a game. Me and the team have been having, like, five a night each, and we've been sleeping great. You get a little bit of a headache in the morning, but I think that's from the coconuts, so I'm gonna leave 'em out next time. With these Protein Shakes on our side, there's no stopping us this season!"

"We Will Have Our Freedom," says Vengeance:

11.12.00 - "Yes, we play X-Ball, and yes, we're good at it. But we'd much rather be sunning ouselves on rocks, or maybe sitting in the middle of the desert next to a cactus looking attractive. We want the same things any other mutated reptile is entitled to: A house with a picket fence, a wife, a dog, 30-60 children. You know, the usual. Unfortunately, Nakamaji Corp. won't let us acheive our dreams. But we will have them. We have plans. Secret plans. We'll see what happens."

You Will Believe the Monkeys Can Win:

11.12.00 - "You know, Monkeys Who Play Sports hasn't won a championship in a long time. Some say, we're too old. Some say, we're untalented. Some say, monkeys shouldn't be playing sports at all. Well, I throw my dung at you! We Monkeys have the drive and the will to win. All we need you to do is to believe. Believe in us. Believe in yourself. Believe in a better tommorrow. But also, believe that a monkey can claim a championship. Because it's not just us out on the field. It's the fans. They're the ones running through the Danger Zone, grabbing the X-Ball, and making the goals. Sure, we're doing it physically, but really. It's all the fans."

Amanda Reveals Delicious Recipes for Rabbit:

11.12.00 - "Most of the time, we just eats the bunnies live and squirming. They have the most delightful screams as they pass through your gullet. But sometimes, we likes to try something different. For instance, one time we pulled the skin off the bunny while it was still alive. That made it easier to digest, since there was no hair, but it also had less texture. They're also good stir-fried, or in casseroles. Mmm, eatsing."