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Hoops Sells Over Two Million Albums

"A disaster," say Record Execs.


MONSTER ISLAND, Dec. 3 - Hoops, one of the star players of the X-Ball Major League team, Monkeys Who Play Sports, released his latest Hip-Hop album last week, selling a total of 2.13 million copies.

However, as some critics point out, this is over .12 million less than rival Hip-Hop Monkey star, Vicious Gorilla sold back in March. "Look," said a major label executive who chose to remain anonymous, "we all like Hoops' albums, but he's just no longer a major force in music. Vicious Gorilla is where it's at."

Many critics are calling Hoops' album, "The Gospel According to Hoops, Vol I: The Hoopsman Cometh" an overblown, over-produced piece of garbage. Others are calling it the same thing.

Hoops has remained strangely silent over the whole issue, retreating to his ranch in the mountains while good friend and manager, Links, has set up a transition team to deal with Hoops less-than-spectacular album sales.

Speaking before assembled reporters, Links had this to say: "Hoops is very pleased with the sales of his album, but we can't get over the fact that he only sold more than two million. Sure, that's two million more than his last album sold, but we can't keep crunching the numbers here. Hoops is ready to concede victory to Vicious Gorilla. He will now and forever be know as the King of Monkey Hip-Hop."

In response, Vicious Gorilla was heard to say "Grunt." Grunt, indeed.



Reaction from the X-Ball team captains:



"Just wait until you hear our album," says Coolboard Luke:

"Yeah, so Hoops' album didn't do so hot, but thems the breaks, you know? Just wait until our album hits the stands. It's got some of the tightest grooves around, you know what I mean? We got the whole Max Martin/Sweden sound thing going, plus Rodney Jerkins is going to remix every track on the record. It's gonna be like Backstreet Boys meets Limp Bizkit. Look for it in March."

Vengeance Speaks out Against Violence:

"I know some people say there's no connection between violent music, and violent acts, but I think that's just wrong. I mean, look at the people who torture us every day. They're always playing rap music during vivisection hour. There's a clear connection here, people."

"He'll do better next time," says Gridiron:

"Sure Hoops didn't sell that many albums, but then, his album is filled with obscenity and sexual content. I firmly believe that good things happen to good people, and vice versa. Clearly Hoops made an evil album, and is paying for it. Hoops, come home, we miss you."

Amanda doesn't care:

"Hoops is one of our competitors. Our competitors make it harder for us to win. If Hoops is in an extreme state of mental anguish, then Hoops will not perform well, and we will win that much more easily. I hope Hoops always fails. Only the worst for you, Hoops."