The Transcript of L. Brainius' Graduation Speech

Welcome, X-Ball University Graduating Class of 2001. For the past four years, I have watched you work hard. I have watched you sweat. I have watched your glistening, muscled bodies working out in the gyms, or on the X-Ball field. And I am angered by what I see. For I am just a brain. A brain, with robotic forearms and the strange ability to speak. I envy your bodies. Your muscles. Your skeletons. Long have I dripped spinal fluid from my unconnected column and thought that I might steal your bodies, and use them for my own.

But that doesn't work my friends. My students. If I remove your brains and place myself in your bodies, the body decomposes much too quickly. Believe me. I've tried it. Repeatedly. But all of you? You have a gift. A gift for living. For striving forward in the face of adversity, and sentient brains who want your body. You came to X-Ball University as sniveling cry-babies, screaming for your mommies. And here you are, four years later, engines of destruction, crying for your mommies deaths.

You are all about to leave her to embark on an incredible journey. For some this will be a journey of vengeance. For others, one of redemption. For still others, you are actually going to play X-Ball. For that, I congratulate you. The life of an X-Ball player isn't easy. Even in the Minor Leagues, the mortality rate is over 98%. Look at the people sitting next to you, in front of you. In under five years, most of them will be dead. Now pull out the hand mirrors we provided you upon entrance to this stadium. See that face in the mirror? You'll probably be dead soon too. Or horribly disfigured by madness.

Should you have picked a different career? A different path? Too late. Your future has been chosen for you. You are about to enter a brave new world of pain. I know. My entire team was eaten by dirty zombies. But you? You can't even begin to imagine the horrors before you.

You will play X-Ball. You will live hard. And play hard. And for this, I wish you luck. You'll need it. Let the games begin.