One Snowman's Journey to Hell and Back

"Well, we decided that the best thing to do for my best bud Azz Eater is give him some time away from everything, you know? Redd had suggested a fly fishing trip, which I thought would be ideal, since it's all manly and contemplative. Anyway, we packed up the ol' Subaru Outback with plenty of beef jerky, trail mix, and a canoe, when Redd showed up, asking if the rest of the team could come. Now, bein' team captain and all, I felt a bit torn. See, on one hand, I wanted to help Azz, and on the other hand, I thought, 'It's time for a little team bonding exercise.' I talked it over with Azz, and he was a'ight with it. So we threw out the Outback, and all packed into D.O.T.T.C.O.M.M.'s HumVee.

"We had decided that we'd park out at Hicktown on Monster Island Mountain, maybe hire one of the Hicks to meet us down at the bottom of the river in three days with the car, and canoe the rest of the way ourselves. Now, I had sort of forgotten that Hicktown was populated by those Spidikas, giant, untrustworthy spiders. I didn't really trust them, but Redd was having a lot of fun playing banjo with one of the little Spidikas, so I thought, what the heck.

"After about an hour, we all piled into the canoe, and traveled down the river. Man, let me tell you. Nature rocks, okay? There were, like, all these trees, and they were all over, you know? We must have floated gently through that water for, like, ten minutes before we decided to turn on the outboard motor. Beautiful man.

"After two hours, we found a nice spot to fish for the day, so Pipsqueak pulled us over, and we pulled anchor. Or dropped anchor. I'm not sure. In any case, we got off, had some beef jerky, and started to set up the fishing lines when we realized we forgot to get flies. Redd freaked out a bit and punched a tree, but I told him to chill, which always makes him laugh, so it was okay. Azz looked like he was starting to get some freon withdrawl shakes, so I grabbed him and Pipsqueak to go search for some flies in the woods.

"Big mistake, okay? Let me tell you this. Mama Luke didn't raise her son to be no idiot, but I ain't no Survivor contestant, either. We got lost after about five minutes. Pipsqueak was getting a bit tired from propelling himself along, and Azz was starting to melt cause of nerves. We were about to turn back, when we heard the buzzing of flies nearby, except Pipsqueak, who can't hear.

"We followed the noise right into a big, sticky web, like some sort of giant spider's web. It was worse. It was a Spidika's web. A couple of the Spidika's from town had been eyeing us. I thought they were just fans, so I gave them autographs. I wish now I had read into a bit more when they spit on me.

"So there we were trapped in the web, and they just circled us. Azz was more scared than I've seen him in any X-Ball game ever. He was just getting smaller and smaller, you know? They went up to him first, and just like that, broke off his arm. It was horrible. Easily replacable, since we were in the woods, but horrible regardless.

"Then they turned to Pipsqueak, who just kept asking what was going on. The Spidikas pulled him off the web with the spiny legs and pulled him behind a bunch of trees. I don't know exactly what happened, but I could hear Pipsqueak whimpering, and the Spidikas yelling, "I'm gonna make you squeal like a Monkey Who Plays Sports!" Just as soon as it started, I heard it stop, and all but one of the Spidikas ran away. D.O.T.T.C.O.M.M. emerged from the tree with his crossbow in hand, dragging a Spidika carcass and a whimpering Pipsqueak with him. Redd was right behind.

"That wasn't the last time we saw those Spidikas, though. We were in for the fight of our lives."

If you liked this first exciting chapter, you should be sure to buy Coolboard Luke's non-fiction book about the incident, Snowman Deliverance. It hits shelves next month.