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Hemophiliacs Rise From the Dead Garlic sales reach record high | |
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| Monster Island, 04.11.01 - The Hemophiliacs, the Minor League team presumed to be dead after last week's game, have instead risen from the dead and started feasting on blood.
Having been eliminated in the first quarter by the Vampire Politicians (a Danger Zone danger), The Hemophiliacs were given a quick memorial service and buried in the nearby Death Dump Graveyard. Not a fortnight later, however, the Hemophiliacs rose from their graves and soon traveled to a nearby town. The resulting carnage was brief but deadly, as the so-called Vampire Hemophiliacs drank the blood of defenseless townspeople, but also got tired very quickly. Team captain, Count Gary Von Gray, has warned villagers that they shall feel the wrath of the Vampire Hemophiliacs for many a moon hence. He has also asked if they might come and offer sacrifices, because they're all a little worn out from drinking blood and having it leak from their many wounds. Vampires, a form of monster popularized by the movie "Interview With The Vampire," starring Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, are actually based in part on a misunderstanding of the disease hemophilia, the irony of which is not lost on The Hemophiliacs. "It's kind of sad, actually," said a townsperson. "They started out with the killing and the biting, but it just sorta slowed down. I mean, they only come out at night. Plus, we can outrun them because they're so weak. Some people even pretend to be overtaken by them, so they can feed. Personally, I like my blood, so I'll just keep moving at a brisk walk." Currently, Nakamaji Corp. officials are discussing whether being made into Vampires constitutes them being a new Minor League team, and therefore under consideration for further Major League play. The Sexy Sexy Pirates are discussing whether to stake them or just go home. As of this report, both results were pending.
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