November 14, 2001

Dear Diary,

I’m stupid and worthless and nobody is more stupid than me.

I’m behind in every single one of my classes. I don’t understand! I’ve studied so hard! Nose to the grindstone, elbow to the grease-stone. I even studied for You Don’t Have To Study For This Class 105: Introduction To Not Having To Study For This Class. That’s what I call commitment! OK, I’ll stop. I’m getting all complainy!

I’ve got to say, it was weird finally getting to attend my first class (the apple incident, you know). I was excited like it was the first day, but since it wasn’t the first day I wasn’t as excited as I would have been if it were the first day. Of course! In any event, I stepped into that first class, Science 101, thinking I was all ready. I picked a seat right up front (Duh!), cracked open a brand new marble notebook, de-capped a pen and sat back to wait for the oncoming knowledge to enlighten and empower me!

Right around 9 o’ clock, Professor Williams-Yyyjzez walked in (I love it when women keep their maiden names. It’s so empowering!). She started by doing a quick recap of what she taught in the last class. Apparently they got to dissect a Reptile 2 Da Maxx. Boy I wish I’d been there for that! Oh well!

Once she was done recapping, the Professor announced she was going to start teaching the topic of the day, time travel. You’d better believe my pen-hand was hovering right over the page! At that point she lifted a small stopwatch with flashing lights and pressed a few buttons. Once she was done, she said "So that’s the lesson. Everybody got that?" I was pretty confused and strangely dizzy at that point, so I did what anyone would have done. I looked at my watch. 45 minutes had passed. I vomited three or four times before the nice girl sitting next to me told me that Professor Williams-Yyyyjzez had just stopped time to teach the first half of the lecture more quickly. When I asked why she wasn’t affected, the girl laughed and ignored me. It was disconcerting to say the least. 47 minutes into class and I was already 45 minutes behind!

I thought I was ok, since the next topic was time paradoxes...? Paradoxs? Paradoxen. Whatever, they’re cool! Easily my favorite part of Chapter 3, page 77. So I thought since I brought an interest of the material to the table, I’d have a better grasp on the concepts! Nope. I actually had absolutely no grasp on what was going on. The one thing I did get was that apparently if you go back in time and kill yourself, Father Time appears and beats the living crap out of you! I only know that because that’s about when Me From The Future walked in and shot Me From The Present three times in the head. Right before Me From The Present died, Father Time started whaling on me. You’d think he would be weak ‘cuz he’s so old and all. Not the case! He was a maniac, jumping off of desks and driving his elbow into my face and stuff like that. I know he broke my nose. Worst part is, no one remembered when he was done because it apparently happened in an "alternate timeline". But my nose is still broken! I don’t get it. I guess I should have studied harder!

But don’t worry everyone, I’m pretty confident I’ll turn things around academically! My roommate Mel has already offered to tutor me! He’s never taken any of the classes I’m taking now, but he says paying for a tutor is still the best idea. In any event, it should be a great chance to finally bond with one of my roommates! Come to think of it, I wish I knew how many roomates I actually have.... Oh well! Until next time, this is your friend Sparky saying that I live in growing fear of the day I go back in time to kill myself, and that I’ll see you at the front of the class!

Sincerely,

Gary Helmersparkz