Gary Helmersparkz is an ideal student. Good at his grades, friendly with his peers, played Varsity on his high school's X-Ball team. That's why we asked this Tempe, Arizona native to write a bi-weekly diary during his time here at XBU. Sure, he got here on academic scholarship. Sure, he got his Varsity letter by being the only player to show up to every practice session. Sure, the peers he was friendly to never answered him even if he addressed them directly. But we hope that if you're thinking of coming to XBU, or if you're a parent of a child you'll be forcing to play X-Ball to fulfill your own shattered dreams, you'll enjoy Gary's "take" on life here at the University. So we give you, Front of the Class: The X-Ball University Diaries.

October 11, 2001

I’m finally here! XBU, X-Ball University! It’s like, I used to have this sick dream where I’m at X-Ball University but I’m not really there. And when I wake up I find out I’m not there and I cry until my eyes hurt and my throat is raw. But it’s not like that! Not like the dream I mean. It’s like real!

So I got here at about two in the afternoon MIST (Monster Island Standard Time). I couldn’t believe how much the campus looks like the brochures! The buildings are all old and rustic-looking, the lawns are so lush and green. They even have enormous ditches where the folds in the brochure were. Such attention to detail! The best part of the campus were the students, though. As we were driving, I could see all the happy freshman moving into their dorms, so eager to learn about X-Ball, like me! I also saw the less eager sophomores, the slightly eager juniors and not-at-all eager seniors. That’s totally not gonna be me. I LOVE X-Ball!

The first thing I did was move into my dorm room. It’s GREAT! It’s a little small, but I already don’t mind having to share a bed with my roommate, Stan. Even if he is a BirdBeast. He’s such a good guy, I can tell we’re gonna be great buds. And it’s weird, everyone back in Tempe seems to think that BirdBeasts smell really bad, but they don’t! They just smell moderately bad. Well, Stan does anyway. I don’t really know, maybe other BirdBeasts smell really bad, but I don’t want to say at this point. I guess I’ll wait until I meet (and smell) other BirdBeasts!

I’ve gotta say, though, my favorite part about the room is the view. There it is, right between the third and fourth 100 killowatt iron bar; X-Ball Arena. After getting some dinner at Nakajami Engorgement Facility, I had to make my parents drive by the Arena. I can’t believe it’s right there! Ever since I was a little Spark, I would turn on my TV and get to watch my favorite players play in THAT Arena. And I’d always pretend it was ME running down the X-Ball field as hard as I could, biting my lip from the pain of holding the spike-encrusted X-Ball, collapsing the skulls of the other players with my enormous tree-trunk like tail. Man I wish I had one of those!

To think that I’m now at X-Ball University, that much closer to the big show. I can’t wait until my classes start tomorrow! My first class is at 9:00, but I figure I’ll show up at 7:00, just to be sure. Sure I’ll be fourteen hours early, but it’ll be worth it to hand my professor an apple and get a seat at the front of the class!

Sincerely Yours,

Gary Helmersparkz

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