February 6, 2002

Dear Diary,

Mid-terms are incredibly easy!

I’ll admit, I was really worried as my classes came up on mid-terms. First thing that worried me was that I had no idea what they were. But then some guy Rodney told me that mid-terms are tests taken in the middle of a term, so that solved that! Next thing that worried me was that my overall grades weren’t so good at that point. I mean, straight A’s are great, but not when you have all D’s! The third thing that worried me was that all of my mid-terms would be given simultaneously. Yikes!

So I studied. Stan helped me study Intro To Birdbeast Anatomy by ripping open his own chest cavity. I didn’t know Birdbeasts could do that! Apparently they can’t, Stan is still in the hospital. Mel helped me study Science 101 by saying "You can do it!" and "Go, go, go!" and "Oh my God, we need to get Stan to the hospital because he just ripped open his own chest cavity!" Some guy Rodney helped me by telling me mid-tests are tests taken in the middle of a term. Wait, I said that already.

The day of the mid-terms came. I was really well-prepared, like really! More prepared than a Boy Scout before a fire-ax throwing contest as my grandpa would say! I felt like the smartest guy in XBU walking into The Midterm-atorium! Then, two large men came at me from behind, stuck a chloroform soaked rag up my nose and everything went black. Didn’t feel so smart after that!

At this point, I had a really great dream where I was on the Marshmallow Strike Force, playing X-Ball in front of the whole world! I passed the X-Ball to Smortalio, he passed it back to me and I threw it to a Reptile 2 Da Maxx and everyone won! Those Marshmallows were so happy that they started hugging me and everything. And I reached down and grabbed Smortalio and started eating his deliciously puffy skin while the other Marshmallows cheered and cheered! I think Smortalio was laughing too!

When I woke up, I was gnawing on a pillow. I have absolutely no idea where it came from! Also, I noticed my arms and legs were clamped to the wall with iron shackles and I was covered in (what I found out later to be my own!) vomit. I would’ve felt really upset, but I noticed the entire student body of XBU was also trapped around the walls of the huge Midterm-atorium, wailing and screaming and puking and puking! Apparently they used some new experimental chloroform that induces vomiting. Overkill if you ask me!

A few hours later, University President L. Brainius entered on a round platform descending from the ceiling. He had this weird eerie lighting on him that lit up the lower half of his pseudo-face. All he said was “Let the Mid-terms...begin!!!” Then, these extra lights came on and I could see there was a huge audience overhead looking really haggard, like they were extras from the Mad Max movies. Some guy Rodney who looked vaguely familiar for some reason told me that they were the extras from the Mad Max movies. That explains why they looked so old! Then they started chanting “Two......thousand nine hundred thirty-six enter, a yet to be determined amount leave! Two.....thousand nine hundred thirty-six enter, a yet to be determined amount leave!” over and over again. It was kind of a stretch if you ask me, but I guess that’s why I’m the student, not the teacher!

So once they were chanting, L.Brainius opened this huge case and took out....an actual X-Ball! I’d never seen one up close before. It was so cool! It wasn’t so cool when L.Brainius slung the X-Ball out into the masses of students and absolutely demolished my best friend, Dexter Meluskey, though. (Sorry I didn’t mention him sooner. Guess it doesn’t matter now!) I even heard him splash. It was sad.

L.Brainius had the X-Ball on a string, so he pulled it back and kept slinging it into the wall of students. He kept screaming things like “Feel the pain!” and “Watch out! I say, watch out! YEAH!” And kept throwing the X-Ball. He killed a lot of students. It was remarkable, the Mad Max audience kept changing the number they were chanting and verified death before notching the number down one. A real tribute to accuracy! Then L.Brainius got tired and they let the survivors go. Which was cool!

All in all, I’d say calling the event “mid-terms” was misleading. But some guy Rodney who looked really familiar except for the fact that he had no arms pointed out that it did happen in the middle of the term. So I guess he’s right. But who cares! I got straight A’s! The X-Ball never even came near me! Some call it luck, but I know better. Just goes to show you what you can do when you sit at the front of the class!

Sincerely Yours,
Gary Helmersparkz

P.S. There is rumor of an online XBU application. If this is enacted, the consequences of my actions will grave. Mark my words. I’ll tell ya why next time!