January 24, 2002

Dear Diary,

I still can’t find the piggy!

I’ve been looking for weeks now! I’ve scoured Monster Island top to bottom, East Monster Island to West Monster Island, North Monster Island to Sveltenvris (that’s Monster Island-ese for South Monster Island). It’s so frustrating, I haven’t found so much as a hoofnail clipping! I guess I should explain.

I worked off the $1,300 I owed the Mob Front and Bar pretty quickly, so in about a week or so, I became their most trusted errand-boy! It was really an honor. They didn’t give me an "Employee of the Week" certificate or anything like they did at the Insta-Burger back in Tempe, AZ, but they did start letting me polish all their guns. Which is cool!

Anyway, one day that week, Wide Vic gave me another package to deliver and said not to mess it up because "this one is important." Of course I told Wide Vic not to worry even a little bit and that he could count on me! The package was a small box wrapped in brown paper bag (like they always are!) addressed to the Cute Little Animal Killing Facility on XBU campus, so I took the main road and headed toward the AniQuad. It was a little out of the way, but I love taking the main road! Like the old XBU legend says, no matter what time of day you walk down the main road, you’ll always bump into someone you know! I didn’t that day, though.

I knew we were nearing the AniQuad, because I could start hearing the yelps coming out of Animal Torture Hall. Turns out someone else could too! At that point, the box I was holding started shaking and making awful noises like "Weeeeeeeeee!" but not in a fun roller-coaster kind of way. Now in my eight days of working for the Mob Front and Bar, I’d handled a lot of shaking packages and a lot of packages that made awful noises, but never one that did both. I was really curious by then! So I opened the box very carefully and...it was a piggy! I couldn’t believe it! Actually, looking back now, the fact that I was taking the package to the Cute Little Animal Killing Facility and that it was shaking and squealing like a pig really should have made it obvious. Oh well!

Like any animal trapped in an enclosed space for too long a time, that little piggy was scared! And like any scared animal, that piggy lashed out with all its fury at the nearest moving object, which was me. He leapt from the box and quickly latched onto my face, digging his evil pig-claws deeper and deeper into my face flesh. He actually tore through my left cheek, but I didn’t notice because he was biting my eye! I don’t remember which one.

I must’ve been unconscious for a while, because when I woke up it was dark out and I had a note on my chest. It was actually pinned to my chest with a pushpin. That hurt! Anyway, the note said something like: "Find the Mutant Superpig in 72 hours or I will kill you. Love, ‘Wide’ Victor Giordanni." That Wide Vic! Best motivational boss I ever had! I started looking for the pig in earnest after that. Talk about "grunt" work! HAHAHA! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

I caught a waft of bacon pretty early into my search, so I decided to follow it because, hey. I was looking for a pig! Turns out it was just the fine culinary experts at Nakajami Engorgement Facility getting a head start on the next day’s annual "Bacon-stravaganza!" festival. As that point, the piggy flew in (don’t worry, I don’t think Mutant Superpigs count toward the "When pigs fly" thing!) and started mumbling some distinctly non-pig-language words like "destroy" and "humanchops." Then this little piggy burned every cook in the room alive with his laser vision.

At that point, I realized my odds of catching a vengeful, laser-shooting, flying Mutant Superpig were low, so I did what anyone in the situation would do. Tried to pass off a regular pig as the Superpig! I went to market and bought a pig named Orville, tied a cape around the little fella’s neck, marched him into the Cute Little Animal Killing Facility and said: "Compliments of the Mob Front and Bar!" Two scientists in white lab coats grabbed the pig from me, slapped him on a table, cut his head clean off with a butcher’s knife and threw both pieces into a wastepaper basket nearby. Poor Orville didn’t even have a chance to squeal!

So far, my little ruse seems to be working. Wide Vic is happy and the Cute Little Animal Killing Facility seemed happy too. But I’m still searching for the Mutant Superpig, just in case. I haven’t seen any direct traces of him, but if the mysterious disappearance of the Ham Factory is any indication, he’s still out there. And sometimes, when I’m searching late at night, I swear I can hear a soft oink-chuckle from overhead, laughing at me, mocking me. At least someone’s having a good time! Oh well, I’d better start studying. Midterms start next week! I can’t wait! Bye for now, and if I’m not too tired from my midnight pighunts, I’ll see you at the front of the class!

Sincerely,

Gary Helmersparkz