January 11, 2002

Dear Diary,

I have in excess of 437 roommates!

I didn’t even know it was possible! As far as I knew, XBU dorm rooms are only supposed to come in singles, doubles, triples and the odd quadruple. Originally I thought I was in a triple: there was Mel, Stan (who, by the way, smells surprisingly refreshing for a BirdBeast!) and yours truly, Sparky Helmersparkz. 1, 2 and 3. Boy was I off!

As you might remember, Mel offered to be my tutor. So a few days ago, we went over some of my PE 106 - X-Ball Rules homework. It seems easy, since the only requirement for the course is ya gotta say "X-Ball Rules!" a lot. But you have to worry about the pronouncicational variables, like X-inflection and Rules!-Duration. That stuff is important, because ya don’t want to be pronouncing it "Ruuuuuuuuuuuules!" or anything.

Despite the fact that Mel had never taken PE 106, it was a really good session. Mostly he just told me to read the textbook. Just a natural "X-Ball Rules!"-er I guess! Anyway, once we were done, I was so grateful for my roommate’s help that I invited him to an off-campus watering hole near XBU, The Mob Front and Bar. Drinks on me, I said! I figured after all the long hard work of listening to me through his blasting headphones, he deserved to wet his whistle with a nice smooth milkshake!

Well good ol’ Mel, he just jumped at the chance. First he asked if I was still paying him, to which I said of course! Then he asked if it was cool to invite some other people along, so I said of course again, because it was cool! Then he asked if I was paying for the other people, too. Now I was a tad apprehensive at first. A freshman only has so many greenbacks! But, since Mel and I haven’t really had a chance to bond, I thought "Hey there, Gary. Maybe now is the time to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about Gary. I mean Mel. Start thinking about Mel!" So I said "OK, but I can only do one drink a person!" So Mel made a few calls and we went to The Mob Front and Bar!

Once we got down to the Front (that’s short for The Mob Front and Bar!), it was packed. There must’ve been like 50 people/turtle-bots in there, all chanting Mel’s name! Once he got them all quiet, he yelled to them "Everyone! I’d like you to meet...Sparky!" Well I didn’t know I was being introduced so quick, but I just flashed a toothy one and said "Hi you guys!" I must’ve struck a funny bone, because everyone was laughing and laughing!

All in all, what a night! Everyone ordered the craziest milkshakes. Mind Erasers, Orgasms, Screaming Orgasms. Heh-heh, what’s the difference, I say! Me, I stuck with a good old chocolate. Can’t go wrong with chocolate! It was so fun too! People were yelling and turtle-bots were laughing and I even got punched three or four times! Don’t worry though, it was just a little playful crotch-punching. At one point, after getting thrown across the room into a dart board, I got to ask Mel who everyone was. It was hard to understand him completely, but I think he said "They’re our ROOMMATES!" and then he laughed in my face and screamed and then everyone else screamed. There was a lot of screaming!

My roommates! They were all my roommates! I couldn’t get a decent count what with all the hell-raising going on, unfortunately. But according to the $1,300 tab I had to pay, at one milkshake per person, I am the proud roommate of around 437 XBU students! I don’t remember ever seeing that many different people in my room, but it does get dark in here. Maybe I should get some glasses!

Well, I really have to go now. I didn’t quite have the $1,300 I needed, so I’m running a few errands for The Mob Front and Bar, to pay it off. And I thought it would be hard to get a job! Just goes to show, you never know what’s going to happen, not even if you sit at the front of the class!

Sincerely,

Gary Helmersparkz