April 4, 2002

Dear Diary,

I’ve got Sunshine on a cloudy day...and sunny days too!

Yup, you read right, I am the proud boyfriend of Sunshine McTierney, only the greatest most wonderful girl on the XBU campus! And if not #1, at least in the top 15%! Well, 18%, but I refuse to go any lower than that!

I’ll admit, I got discouraged when I realized Sunny (that’s my nickname for her!) had given me a fake phone number. Greek letters are rarely used in Monster Islandese words, much less Monster Island phone numbers! But through process of elimination, I finally reached her number. My original plan was to start at 000-0000 and go through all the numbers until 999-9999. But I got bored around 555-5554 and decided to come down from 999-9999 instead! Her number is 555-5556. Ah well! At least it wasn’t 555-5555! That would have been embarrassing!

Anyway, like I said the 9,999,999th try was a charm and once she picked up I just knew it was her! Her sweet, smiling voice, the general disgust audible in her voice when she realized who it was, the gentle, well-practiced precision with which she slammed down the phone. That was my Sunshine! I called again, but she hung up on me again, apparently confusing me with some other Gary Helmersparkz. I decided to stop beating around the bush and take a more forward approach.

I looked her name up in the phone book for her address. There it was, right next to her 555-5556 phone number! 44 X-Ball Esplanade. What luck! Right next door to me! So I put on my jacket, put my keys in my pocket, left, locked my door, went down the stairs, realized I forgot my wallet, went back up the stairs, tried to open the door forgetting it was unlocked, unlocked the door, closed the door, went into my room, grabbed my wallet, put it into my front pocket, switched it to my back pocket, tried to remember if I’d forgotten anything else, left, locked my door, went down the stairs and marched right on up to her apartment!

I knocked and knocked and knocked but no one answered. I knew she was home, since I’d just called her, so I figured she was just playing hard-to-get. I decided to try the “Hello! There is no one at the door! No one is knocking!” ruse, but she was too smart for that; I think I saw her use the peephole to verify. That’s why I like her! She’s so smart!

My next plan of attack was to go grab my boombox from my apartment and blast my favorite *NSYNC song, “Girlfriend.” OK, I’ll admit, they have way too many good songs to choose from, but tied for favorite is still favorite right! Anyway, I pressed it up against her door and switched the volume knob to ‘loudest,’ so they could hear Justin Timberlake asking Sunshine to be his girlfriend for blocks around! I did get a little jealous (I mean, who does Justin think he is trying to get my Sunshine?) but I realized it was for a worthy cause. Me!

Anyway, after about 4 minutes the next track started playing and I guess it was a propos, since it’s called “The Two Of Us” but I just love that “Girlfriend” song so much! So I pressed back on my boombox and it just went back to the way beginning of the wrong track again, so I pressed it again and again really quickly and good old “Girlfriend” started up!

At that point, Sunshine swung her door open and started screaming at the top of her lungs. I couldn’t exactly hear what she was saying, but I think it was something along the lines of “Oh my God! You’re so dreamy, I’ll totally go out with you, Ohhhhhhh Myyyyyyyy GODDDDDD!!!!!!!!1.” And she said she would go on a date with me! Which clearly means she’s my girlfriend and I’m her boyfriend now!

And it totally feels like the OPPOSITE of all my other relationships! I can just tell that this won’t be a relationship in which my partner has false expectations of me which she quickly realizes cannot be met and breaks up with me in a soul-crushing manner, leaving me sad, desolate and forever pining for her. Nopesirree! And I’m sure once we go on our date that I’ll convince her that I’m not Justin Timberlake! Once I do that, I will be the happiest guy in the front of the class!

Sincerely,
Gary Helmersparkz